You'll never know that...

Today's the end of a season. A season which has your name. Allow me to sing one more song... "Holding on, that's what I do since I met you. And it won't be long. Would you notice if I left you? And it's fine for some 'cause you're not the one. You're not the one. There, there, there, there, there... All night long, I laid on my pillow. These things are wrong. I can't sleep... here! So lonely, so lonely... I have decided to leave you forever. I have decided to start things from here. Thunder and lightning won't change what I'm feeling. So lonely, so lonely... And the daffodils look lovely today. Look lovely today... Oh, in your eyes I can see the disguise. Oh, in your eyes I can see the dismay. Has anyone seen lightning? Has anyone looked lovely?". So long.

The worst part of loneliness is thinking that anyone could repair the average you got inside. Just our imagination. When you love someone like I love her, you feel a black hole instead of your heart, vacuuming all the feelings you could have (including the bad ones, and this is a good point). Any graphic analyser would easily diagnose my status while being closer to her or even talking to her: it's an ascending line of happiness in the graphic of love. The opposite is very predictable...

 

I learned the power of the prayers with you. I always had only a little bit of faith. Never really thought I could change all the situations I did or achieve these things. I got this "magical" connection with you and I appreciate that. I can feel your pain, literally. However, the most amazing thing is G-d allowing my words to bring you some relief. I never forgot that day my prayers could lift your heart. I don't know if it was a big deal for you but, girl, I'll tell you what: there's nothing I wouldn't do to heal your wounds. You don't need to thank me or anything. Only give thanks to Him. For this reason, no need of asking my prayers. I also learned that you can only expect a miracle from the prayers you say to whom you deeply love. That was the thing. You gotta love with all your heart before asking for G-d's help. I got that by loving you. Now I realized I can be anything, but my favorite job is being your guardian angel...

I'm really confused about the things you've been thinking... What does "out" mean to you? I guess that one of the things that make me love you is that you're always a beautiful incognite. My life is an art gallery and you are the painting with the most vivid colours, getting all my attention. I didn't catch your behaviour some minutes ago. What was that? In my febrile illusion I thought it was jealousy. But how could it be?! You, jealous? You don't love me, do you? Just forget and forgive my daydream, lady. I don't know what I'm talking about. Nevertheless, I feel that... Nah! Forget it!

I feel you want me to stay away from you. Two days ago it was one of the happiest days of my entire life. And as you noticed, I got no friend now, to celebrate with. They wouldn't get used to my new lifestyle, without alcohol, many girls around, parties and money... I was counting on you to celebrate it with my sister and my unique loyal friend, Victor. However, you said "no, I'm busy. I'm studying". Just your pattern-answer. Was it something selfish to ask you? Let me tell you that life is hard to everyone but that doesn't mean it can be reduced to any kind of "pattern". I'd also like to say you're supposed to give yourself away in order to find who you really are. Making some effort for you can enjoy my presence sounds so stupid now. What for? As far as I feel and as far as I'm concerned I mean nothing to you. When I called you, for all the tenacity and faith I have, I though you were coming. But thanks... Life goes on. Your behaviour just makes me want to improve myself, concerning love and the people around.

I'm so used to the word "no"! Most of the times I hear it, it sounds like "yes, go ahead!", especially if it comes from your mouth. I'm not giving up on you. How could I do that? All this time I didn't and it shows that is something not supposed to be done. I'm sorry for being so attached and for loving you so much but no, not giving up. ;)

Sometimes, I can play a fool if that can catch your attention. It's ok for me. I don't mind being a clown, as long as I can see your "light-bulb-smile". As you can notice, you totally light my day up. That's the reason my life is darkness when you don't show up...

I will never let you fall. I'll be there, always. Whether you want it or not. It's something that is meant to go on. It's been like that through eternity. Over and over... I'll take care of you and even unconsciously, you'll take care of me, too.